Occasionally, I hear from people who ask me for details about a “no contact rule” during a marital separation. Perhaps it is a spouse who has been very clear about her desire for space and has therefore asked not to have contact with the other spouse. Or maybe they’ve read or been told that “no contact” makes it more likely that your spouse will miss you or will help you deal with the separation in a more positive way.
For example, I overheard a wife say, “Honestly, it breaks my heart every time I call my husband. He clearly isn’t thrilled to hear from me and can’t seem to get off the phone with me.” fast enough. He seems annoyed even by my voice. I know he wants his space. And I’m trying to respect that, but do you really expect me to not even want to sign up? That is unrealistic. I was talking to a friend about this and he suggested that he try ‘no contact’. She says this means I don’t contact him by phone or text unless he contacts me first. And even then, she says that she shouldn’t be in a hurry to talk to him and that he shouldn’t be so receptive. he’ll let you miss me and that at the end of a few weeks of ‘no contact’, then he’ll be happy to talk to me. Does this really work? And if so, how do I do it specifically?
Before I try to answer, I must make it clear that I have never coined the term “contactless” or even defended it. I will admit that I have written about stopping contacting my husband as much during my own separation and seeing very good results with this. When I got close to him regularly (and obviously too much), he was very cold and almost bitter towards me. I kept it up until I honestly knew he was risking me being shut out forever. So, desperate, I went home. And by home I mean my childhood home. This ensured that no more would happen. And since I hadn’t seen some people from home for a long time, I was able to keep myself busier. It was so much easier for me not to call or text when I wasn’t around him.
And yes, since I was no longer contacting him in a predictable way, he did start reaching out to me (much to my surprise). But I never initiated any “no contact rule”. What I did was change my perspective. I made a pact or agreement with myself that he would no longer pester me. I was going to give him the space he asked for and I was going to stop calling so much. Optimally, I was going to wait and let him contact me, but I didn’t set any hard and fast rules about it. There were times when I would contact him. And, in general, I could tell right away if he was going to be okay. If it wasn’t, I’d quickly get off the phone.
I kept busy with my family and friends from home. So he wasn’t always available when I called. This was not me playing. This was genuine because I wasn’t really home waiting for him to call. But I never set out and made a specific plan that there would be no contact. It just turned out that there was a lot less contact from me because I knew things were going downhill fast. My recoil contributed to his calling me. But that was not a master plan of mine. It was just a happy consequence.
I have heard from people who have told me that having absolutely no contact has worked for them. I do not doubt it. I think the plan that ultimately works will depend on the situation. And I could see that in very volatile situations like when there was an affair or a nasty fight, no contact might be a good idea, especially until things settle down. But I never took things that far.
I guess if I had to define my strategy, I would say it was just going back, having limited contact, and then reassessing as time went on. If my husband and I had a wonderful conversation and it was clear that he would be happy to hear from me, then I felt free to call, unless or until something happened that made me reevaluate.
I think flexibility is very important. Because sometimes, no contact can be counterproductive. Sometimes when spouses don’t register, people can make false assumptions. They will assume that your spouse has moved on, doesn’t want to talk to them, or is dating someone else. So I suggest you be open to different strategies depending on what is going on. It is important to learn to read your spouse’s signals and respond accordingly. You never want to adopt an inflexible strategy that you continue to use when it’s clear it’s not working. Instead, you want to be able to change and adapt as time goes on, so that you can always make progress.