A few years ago, psychologists pointed to the unrealistic expectation some people have that their partners “should” be able to know what they want or “read minds.” In fact, that is an unrealistic expectation and little by little we are learning the importance of speaking up and telling our partner what we need, want, feel or think. However, being in tune with another person is a vital skill for a good enough relationship.
Researchers report that nonverbal communication makes up 80-93% of our communication process. Because nonverbal messages express emotions more genuinely, being in tune with others and ourselves results in more effective communication and better relationships. As relationships mature, we become more attuned to our partner’s nonverbal communication.
The ability to be in tune with others begins to develop when we are babies. If our caregivers are in tune with us, understanding and responding appropriately to our non-verbal communications, we will gradually learn to be in tune with others as we grow. Attunement is a social skill that we learn best during early childhood. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. For example, a mentally ill, depressed or alcoholic mother or father will not be able to be in tune with her children. Her children will often grow up without being properly heard, understood, or empathized with. Because of this, children’s ability to recognize and understand their own emotions (self-awareness) will not develop well enough to recognize, understand, and empathize with the emotions of others.
Many adults with poor self-awareness and attunement skills have difficulty recognizing the nonverbal communications of others. They misinterpret or confuse emotional sounds, often overreacting or underreacting to another person’s nonverbal sounds, such as a sigh, groan, or groan. Some have negative responses to another person’s expression of sadness or pain. Sometimes they dislike normal, healthy emotional reactions, because they misinterpret or are uncomfortable with genuine emotional expressions.
This leads to many relationship problems. As two people get to know and understand each other better, it becomes important for them to be more and more in tune with each other. For example, if one person is feeling some frustration, an attuned partner will be able to “read” the degree of frustration and recognize why their partner is frustrated without them talking about it. This is useful when two people are involved in an important activity together, such as raising a child, and need to be able to support each other, quickly and non-verbally.
Being in tune with your partner is important for a satisfying sexual relationship. Many people misinterpret their partner’s sexual responses. Some don’t talk to their partner about how they could improve their lovemaking skills. Many choose to read a book and make decisions about their partner based on what they have read in a book or article. The best solution is to have an honest and open dialogue with your partner about sexual likes and dislikes, while increasing your ability to read your partner’s cues by becoming more in tune with him or her.
Increasing self-awareness, or being in tune with ourselves, is the first step to being able to be in tune with others. We can do this in the moment and from moment to moment. A good time to start is now. As you read these words, become aware of your body. First notice if you feel uncomfortable in any part of your body. Send your awareness to that place and continue to focus on that place until you relax and feel more comfortable. Then take a deep breath, feel how it fills your diaphragm; allow your chest and abdomen to expand. Then let the air go, feel it float out of your nose. Notice how your belly deflates. Continue to breathe in this way as you explore your body, from your scalp to the tips of your toes, with your awareness. You can do it as slow or fast as you want. Physical awareness is the first step towards greater self-awareness. You can then pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. To be aware of yourself is to be in tune with yourself. Psychological awareness is vital. Know what you are thinking and feeling. Be aware of and accept all of your feelings. Our patriarchal culture wants us to dissociate ourselves from the energy of our emotions, resulting in an eager attempt to deny them. If we know what we are feeling, we can use the energy of those emotions to improve our relationship with others and with ourselves. If we deny our own pain, it is more difficult to acknowledge the pain of others. The result is an increase in conflict.
To transfer this attunement to others, learn to listen with every fiber of every sense you have. Look at the other person and notice the changes you exhibit in their affect. As you listen to it, pay attention to changes in the tone of voice. As your ability to tune in to someone increases, two types of thinking that can get in the way are projection and interpretation.
Projection occurs when a person throws their own ideas or impulses onto another person. Usually we are not aware that we are doing this. However, a person with a high level of self-awareness will recognize when he is doing this more quickly than a person with less self-awareness.
We often interpret what others say or do. When we try to meet the needs of babies, for example, we interpret; “If I were that baby, I would be hungry (cold, tired, bored).”
Interpretation can be a good thing to do with the right people at the right time. However, we make mistakes. People who are better at tuning will be better at interpreting. If you can, it’s better to ask someone what they feel or think, rather than interpret. When you notice a change in someone’s affect or tone of voice, ask them about it. When you interpret the changes, you may be making a mistake, or you may be projecting your own thoughts or feelings. This is especially true if you are just learning to be an attuned person.
Judgment and how it also interferes with the attunement. When we judge the other person, we have stopped listening. Sometimes we judge or criticize the person we associate with because we feel hurt or insecure. If we are not self-aware and do not acknowledge or accept these feelings, we become defensive. It is from this defensive attitude that we become judgmental or critical. This brings us back to the importance of self-awareness. When we acknowledge and accept these vulnerable feelings, we can take care of ourselves and ask the other person for what we really need. Doing this reduces defensive behaviors, allowing us to increase our ability to tune in to one another.
Good enough relationships involve two people who can allow themselves to be open to each other. To do this we must increase our self-awareness and understanding by recognizing the value of all our emotions. As we strengthen and deepen our respect for all our feelings, we can relax the hypervigilance it takes to avoid feeling. Then we can tune in to each other, increasing our capacity to love.