I often hear from wives who have some issues regarding whether their husbands are “in love” with them or not. And, if husbands are, wives often measure this love by degrees, compared to how much the wife loves him. I often make comments like, “My husband doesn’t love me as much as I love him. I make every compromise and advance in the relationship. He never makes any effort or shows me attention or affection. It’s like he just puts up with me. He doesn’t ask how my day was or make any effort to engage with me. It’s like I’m someone who just coexists. On a scale of one to ten, I love him on a level that’s an eleven. And he loves me on a level which is approximately one”.
I understand that this is a lonely and frustrating place to be. I experienced this in my own marriage and the way I handled this almost ended that very marriage. Through experience and research, it has become quite clear to me that there is a right way and a wrong way to handle this situation. I will discuss more about this matter in the following article.
Keeping score is not the best idea for a marriage. The question is not which spouse loves the other more: the question is do both spouses feel loved?: I understand how depressing it feels when you suspect you’re the only one really “in love” or trying to keep your marriage afloat. But sometimes, wives become so focused on measuring how much her husband loves them against an imaginary measuring stick that has little (if any) real-life implications. This doesn’t really do anything to change or improve your situation.
I often tell wives to stop comparing and worry about whether they feel loved, wanted, and valued. Obviously, the answer is most likely no, but at least you’ve shifted your focus from keeping score to something you can take concrete action on.
It can also be very important to understand that men are not as demonstrative as women. Therefore, expecting your husband to be a spouse who compares himself to you in terms of showing his feelings may not be entirely realistic. Very few husbands express their love and affection in the way wives typically do. This does not mean that they do not love you enough. It just means that you will need to teach him how to express himself and encourage behaviors that make him feel noticed, understood, and loved.
Some wives tell me that they feel like they have to do all the work and have to train their husband to do something that he should do automatically. These points are certainly valid. But in my experience, it’s better to give up a little to get what you really want than to stay angry, frustrated, and outraged while you don’t get her needs met. It is important to address and correct this before you start withdrawing money. Because when you have two spouses who are on the verge of indifference, it can leave the marriage in real trouble.
When you are concerned that your husband’s lack of affection for you means that he is not involved in the marriage or that he will eventually want out: I often find that wives who tell me their husbands don’t love them enough fall into two camps. The first is a situation where the marriage is probably going really well, but the husband has gotten used to not showing affection from her or needs to relearn that lesson. This scenario is easier to fix.
The second scenario is that the husband’s lack of affection is due to problems within the marriage or because he is no longer invested in it. This is the scenario that you often cannot afford to ignore. Because often, her withdrawal from you is a symptom of a much bigger problem. So trying to teach a husband to show you feelings that just aren’t there probably won’t work.
Instead, you will need to examine why the feelings are gone, fix and address the problem, and then reassess. This is probably easier said than done. Because in the same way that husbands are not demonstrative, they often don’t have firm control over their feelings and perceptions either. They may know something is wrong and act accordingly. But unlike us, they don’t stay up at night exploring and thinking about it. They are more reactive. When something goes wrong, they withdraw and reorganize their efforts instead of thinking about their feelings.
They may not even realize they are doing this or understand why they are doing it. And that may be one of the reasons why they insist that nothing is wrong or that you are imagining things. Since they haven’t thought through what the problem is (or even if it exists), you come across as a real nag or complainer when you address the symptom. That’s why it’s often much better for you to work and act on your own (especially in the beginning).
One of the biggest mistakes I see many wives make is that they harp on a touchy subject with an already distant and distant husband. So, they’re already on shaky ground and it’s clear he’s resisting, but they think if they can get him to “work” to solve the problem, things will get better. The problem with this is that it has already started to retire. He probably doesn’t want to “work” on the marriage, at least right now. You will have to bring it back to a point of being invested before you can gain any real ground.
Most wives understand this deep down, but hesitate or rush because they don’t know how to get their husbands to be receptive to them again. Often the key is to take stock of the marriage and see where the husband might not be getting what she wants and then provide it without having to have long or painful discussions about it.
And that’s a common place where handcuffs get stuck. I often hear comments like “But how am I supposed to do this? I already give all the attention and affection and that doesn’t work either.” Often the question is not really demonstrative affection (at least on the part of the husband). The real issue is often the real connection and the feeling of being truly heard, valued, and understood. It’s also important that both parties know that no one is going through the motions, keeping score, nagging, or trying to manipulate the other.
I often tell wives to focus on what they can do in a genuine and convincing way. Husbands know when you’re just putting on a show or trying to overcompensate for what the underlying problem really is. They don’t want more of the same. They don’t want to be manipulated. They often want real changes and improvements instead of worrying about how things look on the outside.