‘He really doesn’t want to share childcare; He just wants to get to me!
‘She doesn’t see what this is doing to the children; we don’t communicate anymore…’
‘We were fine sharing childcare until I rejoined…’
Familiar words from separated or divorced parents: As a family dispute resolution professional, I hear stories of bitter disputes over shared care, child support, and post-separation parenting issues. Parents can be caught up in their own pain and anger at each other, when the separation is still raw and fresh. Or perhaps the parents made relatively amicable parenting arrangements, which worked well for years until one of the parents began a new relationship. Suddenly all hell broke loose and now it seems estranged parents can no longer “go on to get along”.
reframe the image
If this image seems all too familiar to you as an estranged parent, it might help if you reframe it. Instead of dealing with the idea of managing a personal relationship gone wrong, imagine this: Your post-breakup parenting is a business, with you and your former partner sharing the managerial position.
Assets or liabilities on a balance sheet may seem like they don’t have much in common with your toddler’s tantrums or your teen’s demands to go to that all-night party. How can a business model help you with the emotional ups and downs of everyday life as an estranged parent? Lynn Grodzki, business coach for therapists in private practice, talks about ‘nurturing’ her business as a parent. Well, I’m suggesting that you run your fatherhood like a business. To do that, you have to do some planning ahead!
The importance of planning
It is often said that when we fail to plan, we plan to fail, and in an economic downturn, companies must plan carefully to manage risk. Lynn Grodzki describes ‘risk reduction’ as the process of assessing hazards and then taking action to minimize loss or potential loss to your business. As a separated parent, you can do the same, and here’s how. (The following tips are loosely based on Lynn Grodzki’s advice for business owners.)
Top 6 Tips to Reduce Parenting Risks After Separation
1. A written ‘business plan’ – Having a written parenting plan or agreement can help you co-manage your parenting business after a separation. A business plan allows you to review your business practices and goals. A parenting plan allows you to keep track of what you both agreed to do as parents.
2. Keep a cash reserve for operating expenses – This is often easier said than done in tough economic times, for businesses and parents alike. However, in both cases it is worth saving when you can. And just as ‘good will’ is important in business, so it is in parenting. Business owners can put a dollar value on ‘goodwill’ and know how important it is to long-term sustainability. As co-managers of parenting, both parents can build up shared reserves of ‘goodwill’ in the way they cooperate as parents. That can give both of you some ’emotional capital’ to fall back on in tough times (see Tip 4).
3. Good record keeping: Many businesses have come to suffer from poor record keeping. Your co-parenting business will benefit from good written records. Many parents find it helpful to use a communication book that comes and goes as children move from one home to another. (This avoids the risk of passing messages through to your children. Remember, children are not the managers in this business!)
4. Contingency planning: average your profits and losses over time; You may have heard of amortizing or depreciating a business cost. That happens when the cost of a real or intangible asset is averaged or written off over a period of time. As co-parenting managers, you and the other parent may have many years of co-parenting ahead of you, until your children are independent adults. It takes energy to endure the discomfort of tough times, when you may feel like you’re ‘trading’ in a hostile environment. It is worth remembering that times can and will change.
5. Personal care when the business depends on you: The co-parenting business is based on each parent’s ability to devote time and energy to their responsibilities. To do that, and to take care of others, you must take care of yourself. A healthy diet, adequate exercise, getting enough sleep, and keeping in touch with your doctor for regular checkups as needed; These steps will help you manage the risks of poor health.
6. Keep your insurance up to date: Some business partners maintain “key person” life insurance between themselves, if the loss of a business partner could affect the financial security of the business. You may also see your ability to cooperate as parents as “insurance” for your business. The more effectively you can co-parent, the less risk your co-parenting business will go out of business.
Of course, you should also receive legal and financial advice on your individual situation, as necessary. However, these business tips can help you keep your co-parenting business afloat in tough times and protect your children from exposure to conflict between their parents.
How to make these tips work for you!
*Family dispute resolution is a mediation process that can help you and the other parent talk about your parenting issues and make a written parenting agreement. A family dispute resolution professional can help you both identify the issues and focus on your children’s best interests.
*A parenting agreement can include things like the time each parent spends with the children; communication; transportation arrangements; school vacation arrangements; special days such as Christmas, Easter and other significant family or religious occasions.
*Emails and text messages are useful as written records. If you make verbal arrangements with the other parent, confirm them in a polite text or email, just as you would in a business setting. It all helps to avoid costly last-minute misunderstandings.
*’Wipe off’ some emotional costs over time. If you were able to enter all the ‘intangible assets’ of co-parenting for the next five years, as your children grow up, your parenting balance could show a profit for your children over time. Try keeping a journal or use the expressive writing exercises described by Dr. James W. Pennebaker in his book ‘Openness: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions’.
*Self-Care: Sign up for a new activity group or take an adult education class. Parenting ‘down time’ can replenish your spirits and give you more energy. If you feel depressed, anxious, or angry, talk to your doctor, who may recommend other supports, such as counseling or medication.