When our children misbehave or misbehave, there is a reason. Can be anything. One is simply to get attention and the other common reason is to gain control and power. As human beings, we all want to feel that we have some control over our lives, and if we don’t, we will find a way to get it. People of all ages have the same basic needs. So how can we give the kids control without being trampled on?
When I was studying STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) in the mid-1980s, I was introduced to the notion of offering options to children. It was new to me as I don’t remember anyone offering me an option as a child and I don’t remember learning about options when I was studying early childhood education. However, we learned many ways to be firm but kind to children.
What do I mean by offering a child a choice and why is it so powerful? When they are very young, say two or three years, we can show them two plastic cups; one blue and one green and ask, “Do you want blue or green?” Or you can say, “Do you want to sit in this chair or in that chair?” or “Do you want to wear your green pajamas or your blue pajamas?” It makes them feel like they have some power and control and consequently they are less likely to get it inappropriately. It also tells them that their likes and dislikes are important to you. Also, children who have options learn to start thinking for themselves. They become less connected with other people to make decisions for them.
As children grow, we may begin to offer them more than two options, keeping in mind that all the options you present must be acceptable to you. You can say, “Here are some options for lunch; vegetable soup, peanut butter sandwich, or grilled cheese sandwich.” Or he could say, “Do you want to play a game tonight? We could play this, this, or this. Pick one.” If you’re having trouble getting your child to do something, you can say, “I need you to pick up your plate. Would you like to put it on the counter or in the dishwasher?”
As children approach their mid-teens and teens, you can continue to use options. You can say, “I would like you to finish your homework before 8 pm. Do you want to do it at the kitchen table or in your room?” Or you could say, “I need help in the kitchen. Would you like to empty the dishwasher, sweep the floor, or fill the dishwasher?” Offering a choice significantly reduces discussions about chores that need to be done around the house.
One of the problems parents can find with options is that their children don’t want any of the options that you offer. If that’s the case, the next option is: “Do you want to choose or do you want me to choose?” Most of the time, the children will make a decision and that will be the end.
With this simple tool, you will find that you can eliminate a lot of power struggles and arguments. Children are as human as the rest of us and they need to feel that they have some control over their lives. We want to give it to them appropriately so they don’t try to get it inappropriately.