In Florida we no longer use terms like “custody,” “visitation,” and “principally residing parent,” which suggest that a child is a contentious possession. These terms mislead parents into thinking that one parent may ultimately win and the other may lose their children.
It is critical that divorcing parents understand that only their marriage is ending. In fact, your family bond will last long after the legal divorce is completed. As the old adage goes, blood is thicker than water. And kids have a way of keeping people connected.
Every child needs and deserves two parents. Therefore, divorcing parents should avoid the illusion of winning/losing and instead focus on how they will spend time with their children and what each parent will be responsible for.
Here are ten things to consider before deciding on your family’s parenting and time-sharing plan.
1. Your family is unique. And your family is in the process of restructuring. Be open to a variety of possibilities. Allow yourself to see the big picture and focus on the needs of your children.
2. The time to work on feelings of betrayal and abandonment is not while you are making decisions related to spending time with your children. Put these problems aside and deal with them later.
3. Consider which parent is best able to assume, manage, and complete daily parenting responsibilities such as shopping, homework, sick trips to the doctor, routine checkups, playtime visits with friends, chauffeuring, daily hygiene, and discipline . However, just as important as a parent’s ability to meet parenting responsibilities is their commitment to (a) nurture the child’s relationship with the other parent, (b) consult with the other parent, and (c) support the other parent. Informed parent on all child-related issues such as report cards, illnesses, and extracurricular activities.
4. Consider your children’s connections to their communities and extended family members. Do all you can to keep these relationships consistent.
5. Your child’s primary residence and timeshare arrangements are not permanent. As your children mature, the arrangements you make should change to accommodate their lifestyles, needs, and desires.
6. Consider the distance between your homes and the children’s school(s). How will this affect morning and afternoon commutes, participation in school activities, playing with school friends after school?
7. What is the best way to set your schedules for consistency in bedtime, homework, bathroom, meals, activities, etc. of their children? during school hours?
8. In an ideal world, each parent would have some play time, some work time (carpool, homework, etc.), and some one-on-one time with each of their children.
9. Children should be expected to follow the rules of the home they are in. Be consistent in your own house, with your own rules. If the other parent has different rules, that’s okay.
10. Babies and younger children may be better served by shorter times with each parent.