I have a friend, Maggie, who has been my friend since 1968, and she calls me her “best” friend as a way of appreciating our connection. She always makes me smile, and I feel the same way about her. My clients often have trouble learning to appreciate and trust themselves, and I think Maggie’s phrase should be applied to the only relationship we will have from birth to death: the relationship with oneself. Are you your own best friend?
Whether you realize it or not, the relationship you have with yourself sets the pattern for how you connect with others. By developing a nurturing way of relating to yourself, you create a personal experience of both giving and receiving friendship. (This is also a preview of my latest book, “Commuter Marriage: How to Stay Close When You’re Far Away“)
Best of all, you’ll have greater confidence in your decision-making ability when you recognize yourself as your best friend. When you’re comfortable with constructive self-talk, you can create an internal support system: you’ll be more confident in evaluating your thoughts, feelings, and choices. The following exercise explores how you treat yourself as a friend and builds on your discoveries in the previous exercise.
Journal Exercise: Developing Inner Friendship
Get out your journal and find a comfortable place where you won’t be disturbed, and write down the answers to the following questions:
1. How do you relate to yourself?
• Do you support yourself?
• Do you seek your own opinion or ignore it?
• Do you consciously talk about decisions to yourself before making them, or do you just worry uselessly about them?
• Do you enjoy time with yourself or do you avoid being alone?
• Do you celebrate your accomplishments and successes?
• Do you motivate yourself to do well?
• Do you tend to criticize everything you do?
Add any other aspects of how you relate to yourself:
2. Compare your internal relationship with your definition of friendship. He may be dismayed to discover that he treats himself very differently than he treats his friends. You can keep promises to a friend, but you often break promises to yourself. You may not treat yourself with kindness and respect. Perhaps you mentally “scold” yourself or criticize yourself. You may never break a date with a friend, but keep putting off your time with yourself. The best test of your friendship with yourself is: if someone else treated you the way you treat yourself, would you want to be their friend?
3. Become a friend to yourself. In the previous exercise, you discovered the type of friendship you enjoy. Now that you’ve compared how you have an external friendship to how you have an internal friendship, you have more work to do. Resolve to improve the way you treat yourself and put your decision into practice by developing three simple ways you can do it.
One way to approach this task is to treat yourself as you would treat a good friend. Ask yourself, “What would she do for Maggie if she were in my shoes? What would she say to her?” You are likely to be kinder to her than to yourself. How would you talk to your friend if you thought she forgot to do something? Do you treat yourself more harshly? By comparing the way you treat yourself to the way you treat your friends, you will begin to develop clear guidelines for how to be your own friend. Write down your ideas about making friends with yourself and put them into practice.
4. To build trust, be consistent. You must be consistent in creating an internal bond and a strong habit of being a good friend to yourself. Always treat yourself with care and consideration. Create a list of guidelines for your inner friendship and post it where you can see it often. Renew your plan to be a better friend to yourself every week for at least six weeks. With constant practice, treating yourself well becomes much easier and feels more comfortable.
A big advantage of knowing who you are is knowing how to pamper and comfort yourself when you’re stressed or tired. Use what you’ve learned about your style to develop a style to recharge and relax. What makes you feel most comfortable? What calms you down? What helps you recharge? It can be anything from a bubble bath, a yoga session, or your favorite music to a long walk in the countryside, a phone conversation with your best friend, or a nap. Make a list of your favorite “personal chargers.” Make sure the list ranges from simple things you can do at low cost (like relaxing with a cup of tea and reading your favorite book) to very special things (like spending a day at a bed and breakfast or getting a massage and treatment). facial). ). Keep the list where you can refer to it when you feel like you need a recharge, and use it often.
Some people believe that being a good friend to yourself is selfish, but you will discover that it is actually quite the opposite, because if you keep your friendship within, it becomes easier to be a good friend to others and to recognize when others are good friends. . for you.