I have read a great book, Raising Boys. We have a teenager and being an idealist, I picked up the book after feeling that something was not right in our relationship. I felt like he had become arrogant, difficult to talk to, and generally less pleasant to be with. I assumed it was because I was his stepmother and he, for some unknown reason, had lost my respect. After a while, he had started to have a hard time accepting it. I found myself complaining to my partner about him. What I hadn’t realized was that my complaints had become daily and sometimes hourly!
I had a rude awakening to this one day when my partner, who was usually very supportive of me, blurted out, ‘Don’t tell me. Solve it with him. ‘ At first I was really taken aback and quite hurt, feeling aggrieved, unheard, and unsupported.
Then I thought about it. How is it that my partner, who is usually very supportive and considerate, had spoken to me in this way? That’s when it hit me and I knew I had to do something about it. It was then that I received the book.
Part of what makes parenting difficult is the lack of education we have. It’s like the old saying, ‘They don’t come with a manual’.
But there is one little thing that could make a big difference. It could be the difference between calm and peace versus anger and frustration with your child. This positive difference comes from understanding what is happening.
So let’s talk about testosterone!
By the age of four, boys’ testosterone levels spike suddenly. Nobody really knows why. But after this, the children would become more vigorous and adventurous in their play. Maybe picking up action figures and playing hard and hanging around more with dad or friends. At five, this level is cut in half. Then, somewhere between the ages of 11 and 13, it rises again, an increase that can be up to 800 percent higher than when it was a toddler. This extra testosterone causes, as you can imagine, a little problem!
When this surge in hormones happens to a child, they go through a growth spurt and their entire nervous system rewires. This rapid growth makes them groggy and disorganized for months and means you have to become their brain for a while. At 14, testosterone peaks: pubic hair, acne, sexual feelings, and restlessness start to drive your guy, and you, a little around the corner.
And the bad news is: he will be in his early twenties before everything calms down!
And while we cannot stop this process, we can do something to reduce our frustration during the process.
We could choose to do what our parents did, ask ourselves questions like ‘are you stupid? or suggest that there may be cotton between the ears. But in all honesty, that approach isn’t doing anyone any favors. The truth is that if we yell at them: ‘Are you deaf?’ the correct answer would be, ‘Yes, indeed I am right now. Didn’t you know that my brain is going through the rewiring of adolescence and my ear tubes are currently narrower than normal?
But instead of doing what our parents did, it might suggest that we take a different point of view.
This knowledge empowers us. It gives us the power to choose our behavior. We can choose to be compassionate. After all, now it’s probably the dumbest thing we know of. You need a hug and a noogie, a knowing smile, and a ton of understanding. Most importantly, in adolescence, he needs a father (if that’s a problem, then he will need a strong male role model, a grandfather, a teacher, a friend, or an uncle. Someone who can talk to him and gently guide him through rewiring). .
This strong male influence is important. A boy gets a huge boost from listening to a man who is smart and loved.
I saw this in action in my own home last week. My partner had just heard my teenage stepson give what appeared to be an incredibly cheeky response to a simple request. After reading Raising Boys, he paused before giving what would have been a curt answer. What he realized was that the rewiring, this current nonsense, had led him to forget about doing something he had done for years. An action that he had successfully repeated many times.
His father was not involved in a conflict over his attitude. She made a request that reminded her son of what he needed and then explained, ‘You probably didn’t realize this, but the way you spoke to me was rude.’ Can you be careful with that please?
You see, we don’t want to alienate our boys. We want to make them strong men. Father and son are doing just that with the camping trip. They go together with another father and son. Children need this bonding time. They need to be around other males that can make them laugh, make a fool of themselves, and also help guide them.
My biggest lesson from reading Raising Boys was that my teenage stepson’s behavior was actually “normal” in any family and it wasn’t just because we are a reconstituted family.
I know that living with teens CAN seem overwhelming and more troublesome than anything else. But it does not have to be like that. It is easier when you have tried techniques to follow.
Take a look at my free report.
Jo
The Reconstituted Family Coach
[http://www.thestepfamilycoach.com]