Many times we become witnesses to the heartache of an abuse victim, choosing not to act because we feel it is not necessary or our problem to get involved. The most you can think of to do is give advice. While that’s sincere and effective, I would consider going the extra mile to show the victim that you not only care about her well-being, but are willing to give her the help she really needs. We always talk about our concerns about friends or family or society itself; So let’s start turning our concerns into positive actions. Practice what we preach and see how a life can be given a second chance at your own hands.
Personality of an abuser
There are many reasons why we choose not to intervene, and usually the victim does not allow the intervention because the abuser has a common pattern of capturing the sensitivity of the victim. The abuser will go from very abusive violent behavior to apologizing with “sincere promises of change,” and will calm down for a while, but not long enough until he repeats his cycle of abuse. We should intervene, not abruptly, but build a plan and then take action when everything is in place so that the victim is in a safe environment. Many times we are not aware of the abuse because the perpetrator is really good at presenting a calmer, friendlier side in public that makes many feel sympathetic or believe they can’t hurt. The personality of an abuser can be difficult to detect and can usually only be detected if the victim exhibits signs of abuse. Don’t let the kind gestures and guilty heart of the perpetrator justify her actions. Once the silence is broken and the victim leaves the abuser with her, the abuser will resort to any means necessary to present themselves as the good guy. The abuser will look desperate, sad, hopeless, even accusing the victim of her own behavior, making her feel justified by the course of actions taken. Sometimes the stories they tell sound reasonable, especially if they’ve been kind and generous to you recently. In severe cases, after the victim leaves the abuser, the abuser will attempt to re-friend the victim’s friends or family in an attempt to remain within their victim’s inner circle in order to not only feel close to their victim, but also retrieve information. Several people make mistakes, but within a case of domestic violence these abusers are involved in a major crime, it is not a mistake if their actions continue daily for several years affecting the well-being of another human being. We cannot avoid this behavior.
What is domestic abuse between spouses?
Domestic abuse between partners arises when there is a clear sign of control by one of the spouses over the other. The abuser uses fear, intimidation, or humiliation to control his spouse, and if he feels that doesn’t work, he resorts to violence. If domestic abuse becomes physical, it is called domestic violence. Many relationships have their own struggles to overcome, but if your spouse’s actions are more than just the effect of a lack of trust in the relationship, then you need to realize the reality of the situation you’re in and walk away. Your abuser will first use verbal means to get to you and then become physical if he feels that he has lost control. This is not acceptable.
types of abuse
Domestic abuse can be: physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and/or stalking. Don’t mistake abuse for love, and don’t mistake your spouse’s constant irrational needs for a term of endearment. You are not in a healthy relationship if every step you take has to be controlled by your spouse. This type of need is not love, it is a dangerous abusive mentality, as a victim you must accept this reality and find the strength to walk away. You deserve to live free from fear, you deserve to be respected in a relationship that you invest your heart and soul in, and most importantly, you deserve a chance at life. That slap, that humiliating moment in public, that unwarranted aggressive or violent reaction will turn into a million more if you let it.
Signs and symptoms of an abusive relationship!
(helpguide.org)
If you answer yes to most of the questions below, you are more likely to be in an abusive relationship; you’ll be fine if you seek help.
• Are you afraid of your partner most of the time?
• Do you avoid certain topics or spend a lot of time figuring out how to talk about certain topics so you don’t arouse negative reaction or anger from your partner?
• Do you ever feel like you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• Have you ever felt so bad about yourself that you think you deserve to be physically hurt?
• Have you lost the love and respect you once had for your partner?
• Do you sometimes wonder if you’re the one who’s crazy, maybe overreacting to your partner’s behaviors?
• Are you afraid that your partner will try to kill you?
• Are you afraid that your partner will try to take your children away from you?
• Do you feel like there is nowhere to go for help?
• Do you feel emotionally numb?
• Were you abused as a child or did you grow up with domestic violence in the home? Does domestic violence seem normal to you?
“Your partner’s lack of control over their own behavior”:
• Does your partner have low self-esteem? Do they seem to feel powerless, ineffective, or inadequate in the world, even though they appear to be successful?
• Does your partner externalize the causes of his own behavior? Do they blame their violence on stress, alcohol, or a “bad day”?
• Is your partner unpredictable?
• Is your partner a nice person between extremes of violence?
“Violent or threatening behavior of your partner”:
• Does your partner have a bad temper?
• Has your partner ever threatened to hurt or kill you?
• Has your partner ever physically hurt you?
• Has your partner threatened to take away your children, especially if you try to leave the relationship?
• Has your partner ever threatened to kill you, especially as a way to keep you from leaving?
• Has your partner ever forced you to have sex when you didn’t want to?
• Has your partner threatened you at work, either in person or over the phone?
• Does your partner destroy your belongings or household items?
“Your partner’s controlling behavior”:
• Does your partner try to keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• Are you embarrassed to invite friends or family over to your home because of your partner’s behavior?
• Has your partner limited your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• Does your partner try to stop you from going where you want to go outside the house or from doing what you want to do?
• Is your partner jealous and possessive, asking where you are going and where you have been, as if checking up on you? Are you accused of having an affair?
“Your partner’s diminution towards you”:
• Does your partner verbally abuse you?
• Does your partner humiliate or criticize you in front of others?
• Does your partner often ignore you or belittle your opinions or contributions?
• Does your partner always insist that they are right, even when they are clearly wrong?
• Does your partner blame you for their own violent behavior, saying that your behavior or attitudes make them violent?
• Is your partner often angry with you?
• Does your partner object and disrespect those of your gender? Does your partner see you as property or a sexual object, rather than as a person?
If you or someone you know is going through this, give them a hand, guide them to the many support systems available and, in my opinion, do what you can, but don’t let it negatively affect your own life.
For advice and support, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
In emergencies, dial 911 for immediate assistance.
*Font: [1] “Domestic Violence and Abuse: Types, Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Effects,” Tina de Benedictis Ph.D, Jaelline Jaffe Ph.D, Jeanne Segal Ph.D, http://www.helpguide.org.