Manipulative people are a real pain in the ass. I know that everyone does it to varying degrees. But like many problems in life, it’s usually one of degree.
When you run into someone at the high end of the handling bell distribution curve, it’s a real pain. And what’s worse, what if you’re at the upper end of the distribution curve of people’s susceptibility to manipulation? Well, then you have a match made both in heaven (for the manipulator) and in hell (for you).
The problem is that many people are highly manipulative or controlling without really realizing it. They mostly do it instinctively. Controlling their partner makes them feel safe. Challenge their control and they get stressed (at least a nice change for you). But then, they will increase their attempts to control you even more.
There are many reasons why people want to control and manipulate. One reason (among many) is that the controller is trying to mold you into what he wants you to be.
Now I know that many married men will think of the old line “men want their wives to stay the way they were when they got married, and women want to change the men they marry to be what they think they should be.” “. Actually, this is a two-way street. Both men and women can have overly strong desires to fit their partner into the mold of the person of their dreams. When this happens, they may become controlling and resist your attempts to be yourself.
Now, I’m not talking about a wife trying to make her partner less vague, or a man trying to make his partner more direct about what he wants or feels (“if you love me, you would know”).
I’m talking about people who constantly destroy the real you. One sign is that your partner is constantly criticizing everything you do, even when most of it is pretty good. Worse still is when they tell you and other people what you feel and what you think. What you should be doing, who you should be seeing, and what you should be wearing. The archetypal control freak.
An analogy for trying to cast a partner is the teddy bears and dolls of our childhood. Teddy used to always know what we really wanted and how to behave. Teddy was always the true constant “person” who always cared and behaved like he was supposed to.
Imagine if one day, Teddy had responded and said, “No, I don’t want to do that, I want to do this.” Oh oh. Teddy is not that perfect, nice person anymore. This is a bit of what he is. as for many manipulators and controllers when his ‘stuffed animal’ wakes up and tries to assert his independence a little more.
bad teddy (such a simple line makes us gulp nervously!)
Another form of control relates to Goldilocks. Remember how Goldilocks went through the bear’s house looking for the “perfect” fit. Well, many people carry some kind of image of the ‘perfect’ person.
And no girls, I don’t mean every guy wants a blonde bombshell with big ‘knockers’, an overwhelming desire to clean and cook, and a big inheritance. Or, that women want someone who is sensitive but tough, rich but spends a lot of time doing things around the house, is a mind reader except when you don’t want them to, and has no interest in looking at other women once they’re done. discover the magnificent you.
I mean the controllers are trying to push you into the mold of what they want. As people mature, they need to recognize and embrace the good and the not-so-good (at least for them) in their partner. Sure, discuss openly and work through each other’s most annoying or unfair attributes. But don’t put your partner in a mold.
You have to ask: are controllers afraid to take the risk of living with a ‘real’ person? Someone who may not do or agree with what they want or think all the time. Maybe your ‘fantasy’ persona is much more comfortable and easy going. A kind of stuffed, inflatable rubber doll or ‘Ken’.
If you think you are being controlled, start learning more about your own susceptibility to manipulation. Develop your assertiveness. Learn to deal with stress. And learn how and why people manipulate.
Be careful. Gaining your freedom can mean losing your partner if they can’t adjust.
Be doubly careful if you suspect that your partner (male or female) may react dangerously (aggressively or passively). Seek the advice and help of experts.