Often when I tell someone the name of my business – An Amicable Divorce – they laugh. “An amicable divorce? Ha ha. That’s an oxymoron.” Others think we only help couples who are already friends. And they wonder how much business we could do if our target market is divorcing couples who get along. In fact, very few of our clients walk into our office feeling friendly. Our goal is to change that and bring them to a place where friendship (or at least courtesy) is possible.
We know that fighting serves a purpose for a divorcing couple and is often a critical part of the process. Of course, we believe that the fight is best organized in our office and not in a courtroom with the assistance of a lawyer. Why do couples go through a divorce fight? Well, in general, the fight fulfills six functions.
1. Allow partners to determine if reconciliation is possible.
2. To expose does not hurt.
3. To confirm that the spouse is no longer part of the team and instead wants to take care of themselves.
4. To keep the connection alive until the less connected partner is ready to let it go.
5. Allow each spouse to avoid looking at themselves and their individual failures. By pointing fingers at the other spouse, each spouse can lessen their guilt and feelings of failure.
6. To promote letting go.
Keep in mind that every divorce, every couple, and every fight is unique. So some of this will be more relevant in some cases than others. However, there is always some version of “the” fight and if we can help a couple structure their fight and make it more productive, there is a better chance for a productive dialogue as they move through the divorce process and into their future relationship. as co-parents If, instead, the fight is driven by attorneys in a court setting, they may miss out on much of this opportunity for self-discovery and closure.