I walked into my therapist’s (aka my co-worker whom I love and adore) office and sat in her client’s comfortable chair and with a big smile said, “Guess what? I met someone! She’s perfect, seriously, Robin, she’s gorgeous and I’m crazy about this girl!” Meanwhile, my sweet Lady of Reason nods with the feather pressed gently against her lip with a half smile.
She waits for me to finish my euphoric announcement of my new love and says in her soft but firm therapist tone, “Wow, have you slept with her yet?” “No ma’am, I’m going to take my time and meet…no more psychos for me, she’s the real deal!” As she looks down at the ground, which she always does right before saying something she thinks might hurt me “That’s great, you did good… So how are you going to stop your self-sabotaging ways with this one?”
I felt my stomach turn because I knew exactly what she was referring to too, she’s never actually referred to it that way before, but nonetheless she’s seen me go through enough relationships where my mind and behavior fought and pushed each other away. the one that I love
Have you ever started a relationship and then started looking for what is not right in the person? Oh Lord, I hate when I start this search! It’s like my heart starts beating fast and my mind slows down and says, “Now remember that everyone is crazy and wants something, so DO NOT trust this person.” You start criticizing every possible thing you can find to soothe and empower your negative thinking.
This is the angry, hurt, and negative part of you that ALWAYS wants to be right. The part of you that says “you are worthless, you are ugly, stupid, everyone hates you, you will always be alone, or you never deserve to find someone, etc…” this part will not shut up until it has made its point and that is the beginning of self-sabotage.
For some of us it’s so ingrained and ancient that we don’t even know it’s there or realize we’re doing it, that our shitty self-esteem is slowly winning the war of negative empowerment and that we’re pushing the people we love or hurt. matter more. and further!
Going back to my Robin, I look at her now and I’m like, “Listen lady, I didn’t sleep with her and I think that’s pretty impressive, right? But I’m a little worried because you know she’s in recovery and you know the deal with us is that at any moment I return to earth breathing dust again!” She chuckles and smiles “Jeez Alex, are you already thinking about the poor girl’s relapse? A bit caught up in fear, aren’t you, and we’re focusing on a future that hasn’t happened yet! Such You might have to go see if you’re the Serenity Prayer!”
Now she’s frustrating me to no end, but I realize what a self-sabotage that was and that I jumped into an unknown future and had to do as she said and read “…Live one day at a time; enjoy one moment at a time.” time; accepting difficulties as the path to peace…”
When I left his office I began to think about my behavior towards the women I fell in love with or with whom I have fallen in love. How I must have driven them crazy with my “I need you right now, and leave me alone, you’re getting too close.” I thought about all the times I intentionally made them jealous to get a fearful reaction just knowing they were really mine.
Worst of all, with every fight, some that I started on purpose, I would always say “I guess it’s over, this just isn’t working for me!” Always coming from fears of abandonment and walking out the door to someone better (because obviously there must be someone better than me, why would you want to be stuck with me?)
I would say the complete opposite, what he meant was “Stay, hold me, kiss me, I need you!” I remembered them all saying to me at least once “Why don’t you cry? It’s like you don’t care and you look so cold,” and with my lips always feeling so heavy I can’t bear to whisper, “I cry when I’m alone.” when you’re not around me, otherwise you’ll know I care.”
Excellent! Now I know that I love killing relationships with the people I love, so how do you get over it? You change your way of thinking!
1. Ask yourself new questions. So instead of “I wonder what’s wrong with her” or “Is she still in recovery?” Say “I wonder what we’ll learn together.” Make a list of all the positive aspects of the relationship and of the person or situation.
2. Relax, take one day at a time, and trust that it will be as it should be. As my favorite prayer says, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
3. Stop all those negative labels in your mind. Sometimes we just need to tell our brain to “Shut the fuck up!”
4. Stop comparing yourself to others, you are not them and you have no idea what they have been through or will be in the future! Just stay focused on you, focus on what you can control, which is you! You have to trust yourself enough to know that it will work!
5. Give yourself new healthy goals and belief systems, for example one of mine is “You deserve a healthy relationship and to be loved beyond the limits of this world, you are beautiful!”, and don’t think I’m not saying it’s. Every morning I shit in the mirror with my three years looking at me like I’m crazy!
6. Make a Poster of what you want, need and want. I have one that occupies half the wall in my bathroom and people always leave my house saying that they are going to go home to make one because it is beautiful to see dreams in colors on paper! (and it’s like magic, it really works when you stare at it and hold the image in your head, yeah I’m crazy so what?)
7. Always, always, always ask yourself “What do I want?” Validating and acknowledging your needs is very important and I remind you that you are a person who can, should and has desires! Take your focus off pleasing others and build your own lesbian esteem by spending moments of your day focusing only on you!
Robin may have been right that she used to do this, but today is a new day and this lady will be able to see a healthier side (well, at least a little healthier, still a work in progress!)
Alex Karydi ~ The lesbian guru